Opinionated Windbag
I think we all know opportunity when we see it. And I see it! There seem to be quite a few unexpected openings for those in the political commentary/cable news host/opinionated windbag business. And who better to fill that gap?!
You may think: April, you have no qualifications. But consider who I’d be replacing! I don’t see a problem there.
Neither do I have to worry about matching my personal political leanings. That is optional. As long as I’m aware of the latest polls, television ratings and advertising dollars, I should be able to craft a message that resonates with the public and earns me a good salary.
I don’t think it would be difficult to come up with that message. Obviously, the core point is that our rights are being trampled. We get no respect! Those guys just don’t get it! Who do they think they are?!!! Etc. This applies to any point of view, can apply to any discussion, and can be repeated just about indefinitely. I can toss in a couple of “Congress is broken!” and “What is up with the Supreme Court anyway?”
No need to take a concrete stand on anything controversial, like gun control or abortion. Well, not without consulting the polls and ratings first. And the polls are optional here.
I can spend a lot of time talking about the old days, like you know, the 60s. (The 50s are ancient history; no need to go that far back. And the 40s have those pesky Nazis–no need to get into a quagmire by trying to come up with an opinion there! Obviously could go either way.) The old days can be either good or bad, depending on the polls. War on drugs? Republican anti-hippie propaganda! Or: ongoing battle for the soul of America. Just depends. (Doesn’t depend on facts, of course.)
Speaking of facts, the less we speak of them, the better. Also, no gray areas. Everything is definitely good or bad, mostly bad. Nothing in the middle. No way there can be any overlap or compromise. That’s just crazy talk.
And if anyone can be good at crazy talk, it’s me! Oh hmm, I may have contradicted myself there. Oh well, I’m sure no one would notice. I’m perfect for this job!
Unless it requires me to learn to tweet. I mean, I have my standards.